Gangster's Paradise

With the somewhat recent arrest of the literal poster boy for America’s Most Wanted, Whitey Bulger, a few weeks ago - I went on a slight gangster bender. (I seem to be going on a lot of benders recently. Hmmmmm) Organized crime has always fascinated me. From the bootleggers during Prohibition, to the Italian Mafioso, and to Boston’s own Irish and Italian mobs; gangsters seem so exciting, so classy, so old world! When it was announced that Whitey had been caught in California after 16 years on the lam, I spent a day perusing all the online articles I could find on the guy. Then I switched over to reading about the Italian mafia and its origin in Sicily. Seriously, Wikipedia is my crack!

I decided my best introduction to everything gangster would have to be a two pronged assault; I would read one book of fiction and one true crime book related to all things gangster. Since I’m partial to anything Italian, I picked The Godfather by Mario Puzo as my fiction choice. As a nod to Whitey Bulger, I picked Brutal by Kevin Weeks for my true crime selection. Kevin Weeks was Whitey’s right hand man, until Whitey split and Kevin was left with a host of criminal charges sitting in his lap. He ended up cooperating with prosecutors and got the sentences to his crimes reduced; he’s now out of prison and wrote a kind of tell-all about his life with Whitey.

The Godfather
By Mario Puzo


Embarrassingly, up until a few weeks ago, I had never seen the movie, The Godfather. While I am not proud of this blatant affront to the American cinema, it did however allow me to read the book without any spoilers. The version that I read from the BPL was a hefty paperback, the kind that always makes me think of old ladies reading bodice rippers at the beach. First off, I’ll say that the dialogue in the book walks the fine line between cheesy and ridiculous. Do people really talk like this? Or more importantly, why did Mario Puzo thing people really talked like this? While the book moved really quickly and was damn exciting, some of the writing seemed really mass market paperback to me. Also, holy bodice ripper! Sometimes I thought I was reading an erotic novel, what with all the throbbing members and big breasts! You’re a dirty old man Mario Puzo!

The Godfather revolves around the Corleone family. Don Vito Corelone and his family, comprised of his wife, three sons (Sonny aka Santino, Fredo, and Michael) and his daughter, Connie, who live in Long Island in post WW2 New York. When people want shit done they go to Don Corleone. Hey, Don Corelone, help me get my daughter’s fiancée some legal immigration papers. Hey, Don Corleone, help me beat up the men who assaulted my daughter. Don Corleone, help me wipe my butt! He’s got the police in his pocket and runs the town. If you screw him over, chances are…..you’re dead. Basically (and to sum up the first section of the book) if you ask a favor of the Don, you owe him one, so prepare to do something immoral to repay your debt.

Well ....something happens to the Don, which sets off a huge war between the competing Italian families within NYC. The youngest son Michael, who was basically the only person not in the family business, has to step up and, let’s say, settle some debts. There’s a lovely portion of the book that takes place in Sicily and also some side stories about Hollywood and Las Vegas.

I liked this book a lot. There were a lot of really random side plots though, like one all about vaginal reconstructive surgery? Apparently, if it gets a little too big down there, doctors can reconstruct it and make sex all hunky dory again. Was it necessary to further this plot line? Did it seem appropriate in regards to the time period and theme of the novel? No. Then why was it in there??? Once again, Puzo, you are a dirty old man!

I followed up my reading of The Godfather with the movie starring Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, James Caan, and most of the Italian looking actors you’ve seen in Hollywood. The movie was great, and extremely faithful to the book. The cheesy dialogue was vastly improved, Al Pacino is actually kind of hot, and Marlon Brando rules.

After reading the book, I came away with a love for these Italian mobsters. Even though they are sometimes ruthless killers, they were likeable. It didn’t seem like they were doing anything wrong---just killing people who screwed them over. Vengeance, baby, vengeance!

Brutal
By Kevin Weeks.

I was traveling to Michigan for a wedding when I started this gem. Eating alone at a bar one night, the bartender asked me about my book and I gave him a short run down. He had no idea who Whitey Bulger was! No wonder it took 16 years to find him!

Kevin Weeks does a good job letting readers know what growing up in 1960s and 70s South Boston was like. It was no picnic. Weeks grew up in a large family, and his father was a tough cookie. He would box in his living room with his brothers and basically this is where he learned to kick the shit out of people.

As you can imagine, Weeks’ beating up skills make him a shoe-in to bounce at a rough and tumble Southie bar, and it’s here where he meets Whitey. They bonded right away, and soon after Weeks’ was doing Whitey’s dirty work; beating people up, burying bodies, money laundering; your typical Sunday morning chores. Weeks’ describes all this ad nauseoum. Seriously, his journal, had he kept one, would have read like this: “Today I woke up, and somebody looked at me funny, so I punched them in the head. Yesterday, someone told me F-off, so I hit him with a baseball bat.” Two words for you, Kevin Weeks; anger management.

While I found the fictional Don Corleone to be a likable character, Whitey and Kevin Weeks get no sympathy from me. These guys are rats; terrifying rats. Nothing is their fault and they seem to think that killing people is ok, because they were bad people, who in their world deserved it. They have a fond hatred for the “system” (a mindset which seems common among all gangsters) and basically can rationale their god-like behavior till the end of time.

Weeks it out of prison now. He took the smart road and confessed to his involvement in all of Whitey’s crimes,which put a lot of other guys in jail. I wanted some sort of admittance from Weeks, along the lines of admitting to screwing up and making bad choices; but he’s not apologetic in the least!

So with two gangster books and one gangster movie down, I’m officially putting an end to my fascination with the mob or in other words….”I’m leaving the gun and taking the cannoli”.

Happy Birthday Dad! I Made You….. Mayonnaise?

The lobsters totally match my outfit!

Two weeks ago would have been my Dad’s 63rd birthday! What an old geezer he would have been! I would have loved to tease him about that, but such is life. I’m sure he had a rockin’ birthday in heaven! I wonder if he would have been thinking about retirement had he reached his 63rd year. Hopefully he would have planned trips to Greece or Italy with my mom. Or finally cleaned out his basement tool bench!

Growing up, my Dad’s birthday was like Christmas #2. Some years we went out to fancy dinners. Other times we stayed in and had a family only dinner party which usually consisted of surf and turf; my Dad’s favorite food combination and truly the best of both worlds.

My sisters and I continue the tradition of my Dad’s birthday, even though he died nearly 4 years ago. One of my sisters lives in California, but I live with the other one, so we decided to do our own home-made tribute to the birth of Dad, and what a feast it was!

We decided on lobster rolls. And what better way to compliment a lobster roll then with….home-made mayonnaise! Sometimes I have this fantasy that I will get to a point in my life where I will exist solely on food that I’ve made from scratch. I’ll grow my own veggies in my non-existent vegetable patch. I’ll make my own GF pasta on my old school pasta cranky machine. I won’t eat anything from a box! But then sometimes it’s 7 pm and I find myself starving after a long day at work, and all I want is boxed GF Mac and Cheese. It’s time like these that cooking from scratch goes out the window real fast! Home-made mayonnaise is actually a lot easier than one thinks. I think it’s the raw eggs that really skeeve people out, when in reality, if you ever go to anywhere outside the US, you realize that people not only eat raw eggs with reckless abandonment but they don’t refrigerate them! My Italian host mom kept her eggs in the pantry! The US has a serious obsession with refrigeration.

Whereas I have a serious obsession with mayonnaise! I really think its one of my top 5 favorite foods. Give me anything with mayonnaise and I’m guaranteed to love it. I even dip my French fries in it….because the truth is I’m secretly aspiring to be Belgian (and maybe obese?). Home-made mayo is best prepared via food processor. I guess you can do it by hand with a whisk, but I’m pretty sure your arm would fall off in the process. Seriously, don’t be Amish and use a food processor!

My sister was worried that if I prepared the mayo incorrectly I would endanger our health, but I think she was confusing mayonnaise with home-canning in which botulism is a risk. You can’t get botulism from bad mayo, only a nasty separated concoction if you add the oil too fast.

home-made mayo...oh boy!

Thankfully this did not happen to me. I did think my blender was going to break down or the blade would come whipping out at my face, as the motor started making scary sounds by minute 2 or 3. But voile home-made tangy mayo! I actually didn’t even have lemons to make lemon juice (its been a frugal month at Chez Dumas), so squeezed the life out of a desiccated lime, and it still worked! If this brunette (who sometimes acts like a blonde) can do it, anyone can! Home-made mayo doesn’t last very long though (you can blame that on the lack of preservatives), so be ready to gobble it up in a few days.


Here’s the finished product. This was my sister’s plate with the lovely lobster filled roll. I had my lobster on a bed of arugula, but it was still delicious!

So here’s to you Dad. I taught myself to make home-made mayonnaise. Booo-yah.


HOMEMADE MAYONNAISE
Courtesy of Shana on Glutenfreegirl.com

1 large egg
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
2 teaspoons lemon juice/lime juice
1 cup canola oil
salt and cracked black pepper

Place the egg, egg yolk, mustard, and lemon juice in the food processor. While the machine is running, slowly drizzle in the oil, until it is thick and creamy. Add salt and pepper.

The Churchill's: And I Thought My Family Was Screwed Up

Winston Churchill, not your most photogenic Brit....cute bow-tie though!

God, I love non-fiction! Not surprisingly, reading non-fiction is on the short list of things people hate doing along with root canals, rectal exams, and plucking out their chin hairs. When people find out that I read a lot of non-fiction they give me a look that can best be described as pity and/or disgust. I think most true life lit can bring back memories of high school history class. Even though my 9th grade history teacher used to make me cry and quite possibly gave me a stomach ulcer, I still love a good non-fiction romp. To me, good history should read like fiction, but the greatest part about it is that these people actually lived! Last week I dove into The Churchill's; In Love and War by Mary Lovell. As the saying goes, you can’t make this shit up, and The Churchill’s lived through some serious shit!

I won’t bore you with a long winded summary of the book. It spans about four centuries and 600 pages but includes a slew of marriages, divorces, births, deaths, wars and the occasional bout of syphilis! Oh those venereal diseases---making life interesting for centuries!

I walked away from it with a TREMENDOUS love for Winston Churchill. I’ve heard varied interpretations of the man who many claim to be the greatest Briton that ever lived (see ya Kate Middleton) and many of them are negative. The word warmonger comes to mind. Yikes! According to Lovell, Winston was a real family man and was truly devoted to his wife, Clementine. Their marriage was a true partnership, probably only rivaled in history by the likes of John and Abigail Adams.

For the rest of the Churchill’s, divorce came must more easily -they should have been called The Divorcehills! It was exhausting keeping up with all of their affairs and failed marriages. Many of the marriages were arranged for want of money or status, and because of this people rarely married people they liked - let alone loved! A really interesting aspect of the book revolved around the idea of “the Dollar Princesses”. Many times, the English aristocracies were basically broke and in want of more money (to make renovations to their abbeys, chateaus, manors) and would marry rich American heiresses like the Vanderbilt’s or the Astor's for their dowries and yearly allowances. Both Winston Churchill’s mother and his cousin’s first wife were American! If you’ve seen the BBC series Downton Abbey, they portray this quite nicely.

I love making lists so here are 5 fun facts that I learned after reading The Churchill’s:

1. Winston Churchill and his wife Clementine referred to each other as “Pug” and “Kitten”. The family always greeted each other with animal noises; meowing, barking, mooing, etc. Takes that song Old McDonald had a farm to a totally different level, doesn't it?

2. Winston’s favorite thing to wear when he was relaxing was something he called a “siren suit”. In reality it was a big onesie; think of an early version of the Snuggy! He had several siren suits in a variety of colors, patterns, and materials and liked to wear them after a hard day’s work. Apparently they were super comfortable yet he felt he was able to keep some sort of formal decorum while wearing them. I don’t know about you, but trying to talk military strategy with a 250 pound Englishmen wearing basically footie pajamas….yeah, not so serious!

3. Winston was made an honorary American citizen in 1963. Technically because his mother was American, I would assume he was anyway, but regardless the only other person to get this distinction during their lifetime was Mother Theresa. Some other Honorary American Citizens include Lafayette (the French general who helped us whoop the redcoats during the American Revolution) and William Penn (An Englishman and founder of the state of Pennsylvania).

4. During the early 20th century, an early form of plastic surgery involved injecting hot paraffin wax into your face. The second wife of Winston’s first cousin Sunny detested a small indent in her nose and wanted something more Grecian and aquiline, so they injected the paraffin wax into her nose to fill in this unsightly gap. Years later the wax dripped (internally) down her face, and caused lumps to form at her jaw-line! If only malpractice was as common as it is now.

5. Winston Churchill died exactly 70 years after his father---almost down to the very minute. At one point he told his son Randolph that he believed he would die the same day as his father. You can add psychic to the Winston’s many talents which also include world class orator, painter, and writer.

Winston in his signature "siren suit"---oooo pinstripes!

Overall, I highly recommend this book for those who hate non-fiction. Most of the tough history stuff, that tends to bore people to tears, was merely glazed over. This wasn’t so much a historybook but a book full of gossip from the turn of the century; think OK Magazine circa 1900!

Francophile

Lately I’ve found myself to be quite the phile. I just don’t like certain cultures, objects, or food groups I LOOOOOOOVE them, with lots of extra O’s for emphasis. Probably my greatest crush in the last few years has been France. Yeah, yeah - I’ve heard it all before. French people are snobby. French culture is too refined. If it weren't for us French people would be speaking German by now.....blah blah blah. I hold no such grudge against the Gauls; I love them tremendously. Hellooo, Alexandre Dumas is my great great great grandfather….wink!

Grandpappy Dumas

But in all honestly, French culture is everything I think a perfect world should be. Insanely delicious food, fashion, day-time drinking in cafes, butter…the list goes on. In the last two weeks I’ve read two novels that were pretty well drenched in all things French and I could not have been happier! Afterwards I found myself merci-ing right and left and wearing every black and white Parisian striped dress that I own. So here they are..... Reading Rainbow style!

13 Rue Therese

By Elena Mauli Shapiro

This book is quite the gem. Part history (it takes place post WW1 but with lots of references to the actual war), part French culture, part time travel mystery! There are two basic narrators. Louise Burnet is a bored, stay at home wife in 1920s Paris. She teaches music on the side to one pupil, but is constantly visiting past memories of a lost love (who was killed in The Great War) and stirring up trouble with her hot new married male neighbor. The other parts are narrated by a visiting professor at a Paris University circa 1960, who receives a box of old letters and belongings upon arrival at his new school. The box ends up being Louise’s and her story unfolds through his deductions and her memories.

I don’t know if I completely got the whole time travel thing; there was some inter-dimension stuff that I really didn’t understand but the writing was beautiful, poetic and also at times a bit…..erotic. Get ready for things to get a little steamy! The best part is that this story is partially true! Ok, regretfully not the time travel, but the author based the story around a box she received when she was a young girl. A old woman died in her apartment building (13 Rue Therese of course) and she had no family, so the tenets in the building were allowed to go through her things and take what they wanted. Her father brought home this box filled with old photos, gloves, and letters about a real Louise Burnet. So while the story itself is fictional, the artifacts shown in the book are real! A memorable read for me.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog

By Muriel Barbery

For the second weekend in a row I’ve had a case of the hangover blues. You think I would have learned at this stage of my life that too much wine = bad times. But where is the fun in that? So this past Sunday I found myself bed-ridden with severe dehydration and a headache. Since I wasn’t going anywhere fast, I took this time to read this book---in one day.

God, I loved this book. I can’t really even pin-point why; it was just really beautiful. It was translated from French, which is always interesting yet tedious for me. I constantly get distracted when I read translations because every other word I read, I think in the back of my mind if this is what the author really meant to say? Also, when I see a phrase that was not translated, I wonder why they couldn’t translate it, and it makes me feel bad about only being able to speak English. There is a lot of philosophical and existential ideas in this book, which would normally make my eyes roll back in my head, but I actually kind of liked it.

The story follows the residents of a large apartment building in Paris. The two main narrators are the concierge, a 50 something widow named Renee and Paloma, a precocious and brilliant twelve year old who lives in the building with her parents and sister. The chapters are short and alternate between these two; exploring different meaning of life themes and overall French culture. I got kind of emotional at the end too, which I don’t tend to do. This book made me glad to be alive on a day when I’m pretty sure when I woke up I had wished I was dead---Amen for that!

Post Disco Chili

This weekend we had a disco themed party at our apartment. In the course of a few hours we took our cozy little 3 bedroom apartment and turned it into the likes of Studio 54! We had Tang, we had polyester, and we had Earth, Wind and Fire! Being the foodie that I am, I thought no decade party would be complete without quintessential 70’s party food. I had hoped to do fondue, but I envisioned that turning into a fire hazard pretty quick (especially with all the polyester!) so I opted for something a little less flammable. I quickly realized that buying food for a 70s party was pretty damn depressing. The only thing I bought that wasn’t processed or artificial in some way were oranges; and those only went into the punch that was made from powdered orange juice! Spray cheese was invented in the 1970s, so that make the cut. It turns out that spray cheese barely tastes like cheese and never had to be refrigerated. Hmmmm… suspicious. I did make a French Onion Dip from scratch (hooray) and pigs and a blanket for both the meat-eaters and vegetarians. We also had disco cupcakes, cheese-wurst (haha, don’t ask) and various crudités. To sum up, 1970s foods are terrifying and I was glad to be back in 2011 where at the stroke of midnight everything became organic and less carcinogenic!

I ended up sleeping till about noon on Sunday, or in decade terminology---1985. I drank so much vodka infused Tang the night before that I was up till the wee hours watching old episodes of Fat Albert on Netflix instant watch. That stuff is no joke; astronauts drink it! So anyways, I thought chili would be perfect for a Sunday meal. It’s a great one pot meal and since I spent most of my paycheck on spray cheeese and Tang, I thought a week-long leftover would work out nicely. Chili is also great because once you know how to make a basic recipe, you can customize it to your liking. If you feel like adding kidney instead of pinto beans, or using turkey instead of ground beef, it’s easy to swap ingredients out. I call this particular recipe Christmas Chili because of the festive green and red color combo. As I look at it bubbling away, I just want to bust out my collection of Nat King Cole Christmas tunes……only 9 months to go!

Christmas Chili

Olive oil

1 onion, diced

3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 green bell pepper, diced

2 pounds of ground beef or bison, turkey, chicken…whatever*

2 T chili powder or to your liking

1 t paprika

1 t oregano

1 cup of beef broth

1 can of beans, drained 2 cans of diced tomatoes with juice

Optional---one roasted jalapeño, seeds removed and diced

*If you use ground beef, stick to the 85/15 or 90/10 meat to fat ratio. I once made the mistake of using 75/25, and I had a really unappetizing layer of grease that I had to skim off. Ick.

Heat 1 to 2 T of olive oil in a soup pot over medium high heat.

Add onions and garlic and sauté for about 3 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add diced bell pepper and sauté another 2 minutes. Add ground beef and break apart with spoon. When meat is crumbled, add chili powder, paprika, and oregano and cook meat until no longer pink, about 5 minutes or so.

Add beans, broth and 2 cans of tomatoes and bring chili to a boil. Turn heat down to a simmer and let cook for another 30 to 40 minutes. You want the liquid to be reduced and the flavors to mesh together.

Serve with cheese, sour cream and crushed tortilla chips. For added heat, I like to add a roasted jalapeño. Simply place the pepper under your broiler for a few minutes until is blackens. Remove and wait till it cools and then peel off outer blackened layer. Cut in half, remove seeds and stem (unless you want A LOT OF HEAT), and chop finely. Add to chili as the last step.

Richard Can Finally Stop Crying Into His Braised Pork Ribs and....Capsule Reviews!

I love Tom Colicchio

Well TC devotees, another season has come and gone. While it seems like every reality show competition is hopping onto the retribution band-wagon, I have to say I was delighted when Top Chef All Stars began a few months ago. There were so many contestants from past seasons that I knew were truly extraordinary chefs, but either had a bad day in their season’s finale or just had trouble hitting their stride. Plus I just missed their personalities. If I could pay Fabio to live with me, wink a lot and say ridiculous things in an Italian accent I would die happy.

With that said, last night’s finale did not disappoint. It was straight-forward Top Chef. No gimmicky contests with one handed cooking or weird last minute challenges to really get everyone on edge. Cook your dream meal, Padma said, and I think Mike and Richard did that pretty well. To be honest, I was rooting for Mike Isabella. Sure, he looks a little like Sloth from The Goonies. And he has about as much bravado (good word Richard!) as Pavarotti, but he really grew on me. He was such a hot mess in his own season, that to come into this re-match basically as a whole new chef was surprising and inspiring. On the other hand, Richard really irked me this season. He’s a strong chef. He knows he is. So to come off as neurotic and not very confident in his food was a real turn-off.

But by last night’s conclusion, I realized that I’m glad Richard won. I think both chefs cooked extremely well. Mike more straight-forward and simple Italian fare that he can do well. Whereas Richard went balls to wall per usual, but this time he didn’t choke and it paid off. After Richard was crowned Top Chef, I realized that if he hadn’t won, he probably would have had a psychotic break and never cooked again. Mike can handle rejection better as witnessed by his semi-drunk interview on the after-show with Andy Cohen. Was it just me or did Mike seem one and a half sheets to the wind? So congrats Richard….you are now TOP CHEF!!!

Normally at this time of year, I would be crying into my red wine knowing that I would have to wait 6 + months for another season of Top Chef. But thankfully Bravo has franchised the bleep out of this show and Top Chef Masters starts next week! Not as exciting as the original Top Chef (the master chefs are so much more composed and less willing to throw people under the bus!) but it will suffice. Plus now I get to see my boyfriend Tom Colicchio every Wednesday night again. So thank god for that!

And now for some food for the brain…… introducing Capsule Reviews! Sometimes I think a book review that is 12 pages long is just over-kill. Last weekend I was suffering from 2 parts hangover and 1 part food poisoning, so I had ample time to read in between my comatose naps and dry heaving. I banged through two books and here’s what I thought.

What: A Visit From the Goon Squad

Who: Jennifer Egan

Where: My bookshelf! Actually this book was a gift from my literary sugar-mama. She was tired of listening to me bitch about how I was still #30 on the library queue for this one, even though I had been waiting for approximately 8 years for it.

Should you read it? YES!

Why: A Visit From the Goon Squad was pretty damn fantastic. It was an “it” book of 2010, but it wholeheartedly deserves that nomenclature in more ways than one. Basically the book is a bunch of interconnected short stories—revolving around the two main characters of Benny and Sasha; a record producer and his kleptomaniac assistant. The “goon” in the title refers to time and how it wreaks havoc on everyones life. There is a lot of existentialist thinking here, but not that kind that makes your head hurt; the kind that makes you believe that despite life being a pain in the ass generally all the time, it is pretty great. Also, one chapter is constructed solely out of power point presentation slides, which one could see as gimmicky but actually is extremely touching and tear inducing.

What: Mr. Chartwell

Who: Rebecca Hunt

Where: I heard about this book from the NYT Sunday Book Review. I knew that it was British and about Winston Churchill; music to any anglophile ears.

Should you read it? Not so much. Maybe if you’re stuck on an desert island and you’re only other alternative is Mein Kamp.

Why: Long story short, Winston Churchill had depression and he called his depression “A big black dog”. Ergo, Rebecca Hunt creates a world in 1960s London in which Winston Churchill’s black dog of depression is real. He rents out a room in lady’s house. He rips up her furniture. He sits on Winston a lot. But that’s about it. I think this book needed some real re-working. The whole dog = depression angle was neat, but it didn’t really go anywhere. Oh well, better luck next time Rebecca!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Yummmm......Baby!

Roast chicken and I have come a long way. My first experience with this wily fowl can be summed up in two words: Bloody Sunday. About 3 years ago I was living with a roommate who was a big fan of roasting chicken. He also was a big fan of being busy 24-7. One Sunday, he asked me if I could put the chicken he had bought into the oven for him around 5 pm because he would be at lacrosse. I’d never roasted a chicken before, but the directions were right on the plastic casing—how hard could it be?? So as the dinner hour neared, I took the chicken out and I was saddened to learn that we didn’t own a roasting pan! Always the problem solver, I stewed about this for a few minutes then called my mother. She told me I could de-bone the chicken and cook the pieces in sauce or pasta pot in the oven. Brilliant! Well as you might have guessed from the fact that I had never roasted a chicken before, I had never actually de-boned one either. And you can also imagine that if our sad little post-college apartment didn’t feature a roasting pan, well it certainly didn’t feature anything worth calling a butcher knife. I tried to de-bone the thing with a feckless butter knife, but I knew I was doomed.

So there I was, crying over bloody masticated breasts of a chicken that could barely be called a chicken anymore. I had hacked it apart to the point Jack the Ripper would have been impressed! So into the garbage the chicken went and I went to Whole Foods where I bought a substitute dinner of steaks so that my roomate wouldn’t move out after seeing what I had done to his 7 pound roaster. He laughed and patted my head where as I sought vengeance against all chicken from that day forward. There’s a lesson to be learned here kids; get a roasting pan!

Lo and behold, 3 years later, I do own a roasting pan (thanks Sis!) and I have become a roasting aficionado. I’ve tried every recipe known to the chicken cooking world. Joy of Cooking, Bobby Flay, Julia Child etc and so forth. Hands down Jamie Oliver’s recipe is the best, so I’ve featured that here. Make sure you have some sort of roasting pan (or do what I should have done back in 2007 and get a damn disposable one!).

The great thing about roasting a chicken is that the possibilities are endless. Immediately post roast, you are left with warm, succulent juicy chicken with the crispiest skin around; perfect for pairing with mashed potatoes or roasted veggies. When the chicken cools, the meat can be stripped to use in your lunch time salad or dinner time risotto or pizza. After you’ve picked the chicken clear of all edible meat, you can then store the carcass in a plastic bag in your freezer for a lazy Sunday. Just toss the carcass into a large pan with some onions, carrots, celery, salt and pepper and fill with water. Set over heat till it boils, then turn it down to a simmer. In a few hours you’ll have a delicious stock in which more great things can emerge; soups, risotto, sauces. The chicken is the gift that keeps on giving!

"Practically perfect in every way."--Mary Poppins

The Perfect Roast Chicken

Preheat oven to 475 F and make sure your oven racks are positioned to accommodate your bird.

Start with a good size bird, roughly 6 or 7 pounds. You can use organic, free range, Democratic, Republican....literally whatever you want. Rinse the bird and take out the bag inside full of all the innards.

Dry completely and stick on a rack, breast side up (this is the side with the pop-up timer) in your roasting pan. Cover your bird with a generous amount of olive oil, salt, and pepper and rub it all in. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty, as you will really want to get into every crevice especially between the wings and legs. Make sure you wash your hands after each time you handle raw chicken. Flip over and repeat process on underside of bird. Don’t forget to salt and pepper the inside of the bird.

Next, take the following list of ingredients and stuff them inside the bird.

4 garlic cloves, unpeeled but smashed

1 onion, unpeeled but halved

1 lemon, halved and pricked

1 celery stick, cut into a few pieces

1 carrot, cut into a few pieces

A few sprigs of thyme, rosemary or whatever fresh herbs you have around

Now you’re ready to roast! Put bird into oven and turn down heat to 400 F. This is very important, as this change in temp makes for super crispy skin. Your bird should cook for about 1 hour and 20 minutes depending on the size. You’ll know it’s done if the leg easily separates from the body, and the juices run clear.